Stop looking for it

Blue.
Yes, that was the colour of the sea. Those days, the sea was blue only on full moon day. All other days, it was black. Black like a stone. The sea saved its all beauty for the moon, for that day when the moon came so close to it as if touching it. That day, when all the world became still just to see the sea turn its color; a large dark black ship carrying my mother, hit the island as if it would tear apart the land. The sound was so large, it woke all the birds in the woods. Like a hurricane, the birds consumed the sky with their shadows. I wonder if the birds screamed or sang the song of fear, I know that it was that exact moment, when my mother pushed me out of her. I was born in the brightness of the sea. I was born in the darkness of the sky. My mother screamed with pain and I cried with life. Hers were those last words and mine were those first.

Jaguar, that’s what my mother used to call him. My father never told me his real name. Maybe, that was the only thing left of my mother on that island and he didn’t let it go. 

Well, the island had a name too. I gave it one. I called it ‘home’. But it wasn’t like your home. You live inside walls covered by these slopes. My Home was open to the sky. Was vast. Stretched from the end of the sea to its beginning. I had tried many times to go around the island, but I could never tell if I really reached an end. Because I could never find the spot where I started from.Jaguar always laughed at me when I tried to find the shape of the island. He said, I will find it only when I stop looking for it. I think he learnt this from star gazing. Those days, there were only nights. There was no difference between the day and the night. It was a large dark canvas, stars loved to play in. Jaguar spent days and days looking at those stars without moving, without leaving his little corner in the sand. I think he was telling them a long story.

The story would end only on the full moon day which came once after every 200 days. The moon was so bright that when it would leave the sky, the light would still stay. Rather, the light would get brighter and brighter for another 200 days. And suddenly then, the sea will change its color and the light would fade away. 

I remember seeing it. The ship. It was gone. The waves had gulped it. But the way it had split the land, the island never healed there. Jaguar never told me much where he and my mother came from. Where they were going. And what did he know about the lands beyond the sea, if there were any. 

But I knew that if I wanted to find what lies beyond, I would need to stop looking for it. And so I did. 

I stopped looking for it...

to be continued...

11.01.2014 - Written by Bansri Pandey